Soap-Opera Amnesia

Have you ever watched a soap opera, and someone gets conked on the head and wakes up with amnesia....and then later they get bumped again and get their memory back?

I think I know how that person feels.

For those of you who don't know, back in January of '04 Seth and I had our first son, Nathaniel. He was born sleeping at 18 wks. It was a horrible, awful time. Words can't describe the grief that Seth and I went through. It was our first pregnancy, and I had never even HEARD of someone losing a baby outside the first trimester, except for SIDS and an occasional stillbirth.

I was so blown away. I mean, something like this couldn't happen to me. I was a perfect christian, a good wife, a good daughter, etc. I can look back, and see the "fog" that came over me at that time. When i try to remember that time in my life, so much of it is a blur....

Then, I immediately got pregnant with Samuel. As much of a blessing as it was to be pregnant again, I was still in the fog. Now, instead of a fog of grief, it became a fog of fear. The paranoia gripped me like nothing I could have ever imagined. Paralyzing would probably be a good word.

Having Samuel would bring back my peace and joy-or so I thought. After I had him, the fog shifted and encompassed even more of my life. Yeah, there were some good times, and yes, I was probably happy for most of the time, but this fog would ebb and flow around that happiness.

So, what does soap-opera amnesia have to do with all that?

When I lost Elijah 7 wks ago tomorrow (Tuesday) the healing process has been like a shovel to the back of the head. It hurts like crazy, but I feel like the fog is lifting, that I am starting to find my out of the haze. I can remember who I was before all these tragedies happened, and "took" me away from myself.

I can see Stephanie, the real one, shyly peeking around the corners of my emotions, checking to see if she is welcome back.

I don't want to forget, but to remember is so painful. but without remembrances, one loses themselves in the fog. So, it is time to embrace the memories through the pain and sorrow, and allow them to bring the pieces of me with them. However delicate, however painful, however meaningful, however silly, however sad they may be.

Time to be a part of the soap opera that is real life.