So, this morning I had a really awesome dream, that I wanted to share because I think that you might get just as much out of it as I did. (It was so incredible, it made me a little late for a meeting with Samuels teacher)
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I am in a corridor, and there are display cases lined up down this hallway. They are full of different types of jewelry-pearls, diamends, gems, etc-and other costly items, including cash.
Then, on the end, is a glass display case of some unassuming notebooks and rolled up papers that had belonged to C.S. Lewis.
An older man is sitting at a table, just watching a group of us looking into these display cases. Some people in the group were trying to think up ways to get into these cases.
The old man behind us says "here is a key, and the most valuable item is yours if you can figure out what that is, because this key will only fit that one box"
So, everyone around me grabs at the key, and they take turns trying the different boxes. I am standing by, just observing the melee. The old man turns to me and says "aren't you going to try to get the opportunity to get the prize?"
I responded " I already know which box I would open, and no one seems to be headed that way" thinking of the box with the notebooks.
All of a sudden, a sharp cry of excitement causes both myself and the old man to look down the hall at the large group of individuals. At the head of the group, I see a beautiful young lady covered with massive ropes of diamonds, as beautiul as they were heavy. Immediately, after putting them on, she became fearful of everyone around her, afraid that they would try to take her precious jewels. At the same time, she was desperate to receive recognition that she had found the most magnificent treaasure in the hall. Vanity and fear warred in her heart, and vanity seemed to truimph as she paraded down the hall.
The old man turned to me sadly and reached into a pocket and pulled out an old key. Now, the other keys were brassy and new, like you expect to see when opening a jewelry display case. This one was old, with a patina that the other keys, being recently manufactured, would probably never reach. He handed it to me with a wink and says "Why don't you try this one".
I race to the box and put the key in, expecting it not to open. After all, there were cases that had ropes of diamonds. How could this possibly be the most valuable item?
The key slid in like easily and turned, opening the lid of the display case. I reached into the treasure chest, greedily gathering up the old leather bound notebook, the weatherd and stained copy of a hardback book. I carefully pulled out the rolled up papers from a padded container. and the loose papers were gently stacked on top of my great find.
I was ecstatic! Overjoyed! I couldn't believe that the key opened the very box I desired most!
Then, I started to look closely at my treasures, and realized that they weren't quite what I expected them to be.
The hardback book was an original copy of "The Lion, the witch, and the Wardrobe", but it wasn't the same as later copies. It showed editing marks and criticisms in the margins.
The notebook wasn't a day planner, showing the amazing life that Lewis had led. It was full of sentences, snippets really, of his books. It was his "brainstorming" book, where he wrote phrases and ideas down to remember before turning them into a story.
As I unrolled the tightly packed sheets, I was surprised to see drawings, pictures cut from other books, diagrams, and folklore stories with notes in the margins about how these different things inspired him and the stories they inspired. Nothing in the rolled up papers was his own work.
And lastly, the little stack of papers. What would this last stack of papers be? Maybe now I would find the lost manuscript of Lewis!
It was a pile of medical papers, related to his wife. She had passed away, but he had kept these insignificant papers? Why did he need to keep such sad and painful reminders of her life?
I turned to the old man, with tears streaming down my face in joy of finding these wonderful tidbits of Lewis' life, but not truly understanding everything I held in my hands. I asked him, "Why did he keep these papers?" showing him the medical records.
"I kept them because they are just as much who I am as that book you are holding" he gestured to the hardback book.
"I don't understand" I replied.
He said, "What you have there represents the greatest treasures of my life. My creativity, imagination and inspiration are evident on the rolled up papers. I learned to look all around me to find the creativity that God gave us."
"The notebook is full of the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, as I was open to hearing and receiving from Him. He has guided me in everything."
"The book represents my tenaciousness, my determination. Even though it is full of supposed obstacles and crtiticism, I was dedicated to the result."
"And what of the medical records? What use was that to you?" I asked him, thoroughly confused as to their merit. I could understand the other aspects of the treasure chest, as they revealsed the true genius of this man, but the medical records?
"Those records represent every drop of pain I had to endure. If I had not gone through that, I could not have written with such certainty about the nature of God and true christianity. I would have written, yes, but it would have been about how God makes you feel good, not about the deepest passion of His heart regarding us His children. It would have been shallow, without substance.
That is why those papers are in that box. They are the most valuable of all....for they represent my humanity and my triumph. They expose the heart of me for all to take a piece of, and perhaps receive healing in their own lives".
I looked at my treasure trove of items, and realized that I would have to return them to the box. These items were born out of sweat, blood and tears. They weren't collectors items. They were his soul.
I wept again, as I took one last look through all the items. My hand trembled as I stroked the pencil drawing of Aslan. I carressed the worn out copy of the book, and returned them to Lewis. My heart was broken as I gave up those precious shards of connection to one of the greatest philosophers in the christian faith.
And I turned, walked away, and headed down the hall, ready to begin storing my own treasures.
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What does this dream/parable mean? I shouldn't have to tell you, but if you need some clarification....
As a believer, we come to God with our pain. He promises to heal us. Buut not to protect us from more pain.
Instead of seeing pain as weakness, we must embrace the places of pain, for out of those deep places can spring the sweetest and most life-giving water to others. Pain is not punishment-It is necessary for the complete development of us as christians, and people.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Soap-Opera Amnesia
Have you ever watched a soap opera, and someone gets conked on the head and wakes up with amnesia....and then later they get bumped again and get their memory back?
I think I know how that person feels.
For those of you who don't know, back in January of '04 Seth and I had our first son, Nathaniel. He was born sleeping at 18 wks. It was a horrible, awful time. Words can't describe the grief that Seth and I went through. It was our first pregnancy, and I had never even HEARD of someone losing a baby outside the first trimester, except for SIDS and an occasional stillbirth.
I was so blown away. I mean, something like this couldn't happen to me. I was a perfect christian, a good wife, a good daughter, etc. I can look back, and see the "fog" that came over me at that time. When i try to remember that time in my life, so much of it is a blur....
Then, I immediately got pregnant with Samuel. As much of a blessing as it was to be pregnant again, I was still in the fog. Now, instead of a fog of grief, it became a fog of fear. The paranoia gripped me like nothing I could have ever imagined. Paralyzing would probably be a good word.
Having Samuel would bring back my peace and joy-or so I thought. After I had him, the fog shifted and encompassed even more of my life. Yeah, there were some good times, and yes, I was probably happy for most of the time, but this fog would ebb and flow around that happiness.
So, what does soap-opera amnesia have to do with all that?
When I lost Elijah 7 wks ago tomorrow (Tuesday) the healing process has been like a shovel to the back of the head. It hurts like crazy, but I feel like the fog is lifting, that I am starting to find my out of the haze. I can remember who I was before all these tragedies happened, and "took" me away from myself.
I can see Stephanie, the real one, shyly peeking around the corners of my emotions, checking to see if she is welcome back.
I don't want to forget, but to remember is so painful. but without remembrances, one loses themselves in the fog. So, it is time to embrace the memories through the pain and sorrow, and allow them to bring the pieces of me with them. However delicate, however painful, however meaningful, however silly, however sad they may be.
Time to be a part of the soap opera that is real life.
I think I know how that person feels.
For those of you who don't know, back in January of '04 Seth and I had our first son, Nathaniel. He was born sleeping at 18 wks. It was a horrible, awful time. Words can't describe the grief that Seth and I went through. It was our first pregnancy, and I had never even HEARD of someone losing a baby outside the first trimester, except for SIDS and an occasional stillbirth.
I was so blown away. I mean, something like this couldn't happen to me. I was a perfect christian, a good wife, a good daughter, etc. I can look back, and see the "fog" that came over me at that time. When i try to remember that time in my life, so much of it is a blur....
Then, I immediately got pregnant with Samuel. As much of a blessing as it was to be pregnant again, I was still in the fog. Now, instead of a fog of grief, it became a fog of fear. The paranoia gripped me like nothing I could have ever imagined. Paralyzing would probably be a good word.
Having Samuel would bring back my peace and joy-or so I thought. After I had him, the fog shifted and encompassed even more of my life. Yeah, there were some good times, and yes, I was probably happy for most of the time, but this fog would ebb and flow around that happiness.
So, what does soap-opera amnesia have to do with all that?
When I lost Elijah 7 wks ago tomorrow (Tuesday) the healing process has been like a shovel to the back of the head. It hurts like crazy, but I feel like the fog is lifting, that I am starting to find my out of the haze. I can remember who I was before all these tragedies happened, and "took" me away from myself.
I can see Stephanie, the real one, shyly peeking around the corners of my emotions, checking to see if she is welcome back.
I don't want to forget, but to remember is so painful. but without remembrances, one loses themselves in the fog. So, it is time to embrace the memories through the pain and sorrow, and allow them to bring the pieces of me with them. However delicate, however painful, however meaningful, however silly, however sad they may be.
Time to be a part of the soap opera that is real life.
Blessed because? or just blessed
We are moving into a new church facility. YAY! But that isn't what this blog is about.
I was speaking to one of the members of the church that formerly owned the facility, and we were discussing the changes we had made in the building. He was talking about how a few men from the church had met every Saturday morning to finish out a portion of the building.
I responded, "That is so awesome! We are so blessed because we have several contractor-type people who have volunteered their time to help us finish out the building".
For some reason, that thought stuck out in my head, and a few hours later, I heard myelf thinking..."Why do we as christians say 'I am blessed because', rather than just 'I am blessed' period?" Is being blessed about being able to show tangible benefits to others? Is it me, or should being blessed be about more?
I think about myself. I don't own a home, but I have a comfortable roof over my head. Does that qualify me as blessed? Then, I consider the single mom who struggles to pay her bills, but her electricity works. Does that qualify her as blessed. What about Bill Gates? Does he have an extra portion of blessing because he can show a tangible bottom line?
So, this stream of thought begs the question...If we are blessed "because...", then does that mean that blessings are earned? If so, can we launder our own filthy righteous rags?
I guess what I am trying to say is that, I don't want to say that I am blessed because I can show how what I have is a "better" blessing than the provision that God has made in your circumstance. I hope to be a pesson who can just be blessed, without any kind of proof necessary to validate my opinion.
I was speaking to one of the members of the church that formerly owned the facility, and we were discussing the changes we had made in the building. He was talking about how a few men from the church had met every Saturday morning to finish out a portion of the building.
I responded, "That is so awesome! We are so blessed because we have several contractor-type people who have volunteered their time to help us finish out the building".
For some reason, that thought stuck out in my head, and a few hours later, I heard myelf thinking..."Why do we as christians say 'I am blessed because', rather than just 'I am blessed' period?" Is being blessed about being able to show tangible benefits to others? Is it me, or should being blessed be about more?
I think about myself. I don't own a home, but I have a comfortable roof over my head. Does that qualify me as blessed? Then, I consider the single mom who struggles to pay her bills, but her electricity works. Does that qualify her as blessed. What about Bill Gates? Does he have an extra portion of blessing because he can show a tangible bottom line?
So, this stream of thought begs the question...If we are blessed "because...", then does that mean that blessings are earned? If so, can we launder our own filthy righteous rags?
I guess what I am trying to say is that, I don't want to say that I am blessed because I can show how what I have is a "better" blessing than the provision that God has made in your circumstance. I hope to be a pesson who can just be blessed, without any kind of proof necessary to validate my opinion.
The dichotomy of life
I have been thinking about a lot of things in my past the last few weeks, and one thing that seems to rumbling around in my brain is related to our recent loss of Elijah, our born sleeping baby at 16 weeks.
I looked at his most perfectly formed feet and hands, his tiny ears starting to form, and was amazed by the beauty of his creation. The tiny muscles in his broad shoulders reminded me so much of Samuels. Even his sweet little hands held up by his face, like he was trying to find his thumb to suck. Stunning to see.
I remember the last ultrasound where Seth and I saw him moving around. He was so active. It looked like he was waving, and kicking his little legs so defiantly. His profile was so much like Samuels. Seth and I laughed as we saw his precious movement.
So, where do you think this is going? Perhaps not where you think.
I read an article the other day, talking about abortion and who gets them. So much propaganda out there talks about the 'babies on welfare' and the need for poor women to be able to control their family size, so they can get off welfare. Or, the rape victim having the ability to 'put behind her' the pain of the rape. And, even the innocent high schooler who has 'so much promise' and one mistake could take it all away.
This article http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22689931/ shows how a recent study demonstrates that the majority of women getting abortions are terminating due to financial pressures of raising a child. A lot of them already have children! And the racial disparity is concerning. Some black leaders consider abortion to be a virtual genocide.
So, back to my ruminations.....as I remember Elijah, and his perfection, I grieve. I grieve for the women who have believed the lie that this 'tissue' is nothing more. That he was not a person.
What makes a 'fetus' a person. Is it only when a child is wanted, does it automatically become imbued with a soul? Or, does that soul exist, regardless of what we humans think?
In china, as they face a generation without women for their sons to marry, was economics the slippery plan of satan to wipe out their amazing culture. Or,did they do it to themselves, as they de-humanized so many aspects of life, in their pursuit of 'modernization'?
I am not catholic, but so much of the "Humanae Vitae" is fascinating and a powerful perspective on the sanctity of all human life, including the death penalty. I think that as a society, until we recognize that all people are valuable, whether they were planned or not, whether they be drug addicts or CEO's, whether they have Downs Syndrome or are valedictorians......we will constantly be faced with having to define the value of a human life by the people who attribute to it value, or choosing to discard that life based on standards that change with the wind.
I looked at his most perfectly formed feet and hands, his tiny ears starting to form, and was amazed by the beauty of his creation. The tiny muscles in his broad shoulders reminded me so much of Samuels. Even his sweet little hands held up by his face, like he was trying to find his thumb to suck. Stunning to see.
I remember the last ultrasound where Seth and I saw him moving around. He was so active. It looked like he was waving, and kicking his little legs so defiantly. His profile was so much like Samuels. Seth and I laughed as we saw his precious movement.
So, where do you think this is going? Perhaps not where you think.
I read an article the other day, talking about abortion and who gets them. So much propaganda out there talks about the 'babies on welfare' and the need for poor women to be able to control their family size, so they can get off welfare. Or, the rape victim having the ability to 'put behind her' the pain of the rape. And, even the innocent high schooler who has 'so much promise' and one mistake could take it all away.
This article http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22689931/ shows how a recent study demonstrates that the majority of women getting abortions are terminating due to financial pressures of raising a child. A lot of them already have children! And the racial disparity is concerning. Some black leaders consider abortion to be a virtual genocide.
So, back to my ruminations.....as I remember Elijah, and his perfection, I grieve. I grieve for the women who have believed the lie that this 'tissue' is nothing more. That he was not a person.
What makes a 'fetus' a person. Is it only when a child is wanted, does it automatically become imbued with a soul? Or, does that soul exist, regardless of what we humans think?
In china, as they face a generation without women for their sons to marry, was economics the slippery plan of satan to wipe out their amazing culture. Or,did they do it to themselves, as they de-humanized so many aspects of life, in their pursuit of 'modernization'?
I am not catholic, but so much of the "Humanae Vitae" is fascinating and a powerful perspective on the sanctity of all human life, including the death penalty. I think that as a society, until we recognize that all people are valuable, whether they were planned or not, whether they be drug addicts or CEO's, whether they have Downs Syndrome or are valedictorians......we will constantly be faced with having to define the value of a human life by the people who attribute to it value, or choosing to discard that life based on standards that change with the wind.
some older blogs about my son Samuel
this is from November of 2007
another middle of the night musing.....
well, here I am again. I got hit by some ickiness earlier tonight, so I am having a "medication induced insomnia" moment.
So, I was trying to figure out what to post...and of course thought about Samuel. He is one of the most interesting things I am involved with! lol.
We do have a diagnosis of PDD-NOS. For those of you (which will be the majority) who don't know what that means.....Think of an elephant, and the body is called PDD (Pervasive Development Disorder) and it has 4 legs: classic autism, Rett's syndrome, aspergers, and NOS (not otherwise specified). Sam supposedly has the last one.
It's very interesting, b/c many mental health professionals are pushing to make ADD/ADHD a category under NOS. I personally agree that it should be added, but it does expand the umbrella so. However, there are so many possible connections between them that it might be remiss not to make the addition.
Navigating the world of services has been so frustrating to say the least. Sam is getting ready to turn 3 in January, and I feel like the assistance he has, has been put into a holding pattern, just waiting for him to age out. Grrrrrr, as if I didn't have enough to worry about, now I have to deal with fighting for services.
But Samuel is doing so great in many areas. He is getting so much more verbal, even though his articulation is horrendous. It's like trying to translate a foreign language. lol. But, at least he is trying. He sings happy birthday, and loves to do the prayer from his favorite video. It is so precious.
We have been having a lot of behavior problems, but I am trying to be optimistic. When a child has a leap in development, a lot of times behaviors get worse before they get better. I am tired of him kicking and throwing things things at me, but I am praying that this stage will be over soon.
Anyway, that is my update.
my second one in the same night!!!
ok, so after I posted the other, I started thinking about some of the information that I wished I had 3 years ago, about vaxing and autism.Here is a link to be able to see, sid by side, typical and non-typical children. http://www.autismspeaks.org/video/glossary.php The first time I watched these videos, about a month ago, such a light bulb went off in my head. Please, please forward this link to everyone you know, and ask them to take about ten minutes and start looking through it. Whether or not they feel their child is on the spectrum, they may see their neghbors child there, and may be able to pass on the information to another parent who is in the dark.
A atudy was done http://generationrescue.org/survey.html that blew my mind. Oh how I wish I had read it before I chose to fully vax my son. The website that is full of info is http://generationrescue.org/index.html Again, please, oh please take the time to read through these things.
I thought all this stuff was such paranoia, until we went through vaccine adverse effects when samuel was 19 months old. He lost all of his words within a month of the shots. He ran a 105 degree temp for a week post vax. I was told, that can happen in any kid, it's not related to the vax. Um, the fever started within 24 hours of the shots!!!! Anyway, I have mentioned these links before, but I wanted to put them up where you all could access them.
another middle of the night musing.....
well, here I am again. I got hit by some ickiness earlier tonight, so I am having a "medication induced insomnia" moment.
So, I was trying to figure out what to post...and of course thought about Samuel. He is one of the most interesting things I am involved with! lol.
We do have a diagnosis of PDD-NOS. For those of you (which will be the majority) who don't know what that means.....Think of an elephant, and the body is called PDD (Pervasive Development Disorder) and it has 4 legs: classic autism, Rett's syndrome, aspergers, and NOS (not otherwise specified). Sam supposedly has the last one.
It's very interesting, b/c many mental health professionals are pushing to make ADD/ADHD a category under NOS. I personally agree that it should be added, but it does expand the umbrella so. However, there are so many possible connections between them that it might be remiss not to make the addition.
Navigating the world of services has been so frustrating to say the least. Sam is getting ready to turn 3 in January, and I feel like the assistance he has, has been put into a holding pattern, just waiting for him to age out. Grrrrrr, as if I didn't have enough to worry about, now I have to deal with fighting for services.
But Samuel is doing so great in many areas. He is getting so much more verbal, even though his articulation is horrendous. It's like trying to translate a foreign language. lol. But, at least he is trying. He sings happy birthday, and loves to do the prayer from his favorite video. It is so precious.
We have been having a lot of behavior problems, but I am trying to be optimistic. When a child has a leap in development, a lot of times behaviors get worse before they get better. I am tired of him kicking and throwing things things at me, but I am praying that this stage will be over soon.
Anyway, that is my update.
my second one in the same night!!!
ok, so after I posted the other, I started thinking about some of the information that I wished I had 3 years ago, about vaxing and autism.Here is a link to be able to see, sid by side, typical and non-typical children. http://www.autismspeaks.org/video/glossary.php The first time I watched these videos, about a month ago, such a light bulb went off in my head. Please, please forward this link to everyone you know, and ask them to take about ten minutes and start looking through it. Whether or not they feel their child is on the spectrum, they may see their neghbors child there, and may be able to pass on the information to another parent who is in the dark.
A atudy was done http://generationrescue.org/survey.html that blew my mind. Oh how I wish I had read it before I chose to fully vax my son. The website that is full of info is http://generationrescue.org/index.html Again, please, oh please take the time to read through these things.
I thought all this stuff was such paranoia, until we went through vaccine adverse effects when samuel was 19 months old. He lost all of his words within a month of the shots. He ran a 105 degree temp for a week post vax. I was told, that can happen in any kid, it's not related to the vax. Um, the fever started within 24 hours of the shots!!!! Anyway, I have mentioned these links before, but I wanted to put them up where you all could access them.
My first brush with mortality
Well, my first blog on this kind of venue, thought I would talk about my children.
When Seth and I decided we were ready to have kids, it didn’t take much. Maybe 2 months to conceive our first son. Everything was smooth and easy-we had one tiny bump with some spotting earlier in the pregnancy-but everything was fine. We were getting excited about our 20 week ultrasound and finding out what we were having.
I was at work when I was 18 wks pregnant, feeling some cramping, but not worried about it. I just thought it was ligament stretching. My boss says to me, “If you weren’t so early, I would think you were having contractions” and of course, I was like, “no way!” I went to the restroom a few hours later, and I feel this weird *gush*. I look into the toilet and it is full of blood. I am freaking out of course. I jumped up and ran across the hall into the employee break room and lay down on the floor with my feet in the air. One of the employees saw me run in there and followed me in to check on me.
Apparently, I was virtually laying in a pool of blood. He called 9-1-1 and then called my husband, who happened to be about 5 minutes down the road. It took just a few minutes for the ambulance to get there, and Seth walked in as they were loading me up. I was hooked up to IV’s, etc…it was awful. I was definitely in shock.
When I got to the ER, I was followed immediately by the rest of my family, who drove to the hospital with the help of several truck drivers who helped move the traffic out of the way for them.
After a couple of hours, and an ultrasound, it was discovered that my water had broken. Pretty much the worse case scenario. Once your water has broken, then your uterus is open to infection. We were transferred to a different hospital closer to home to deliver our child.
We still hadn’t found out the gender of our child.
When we got to the hospital, the nurse was so kind, and obviously thought I would go into labor any second. But I made it through the night-and so did the baby. When they gave me an ultrasound to check on the baby, the hb was still over 150!
Seth and I discussed our options, and told the doctor that as long as there was a heartbeat and no infection, we wanted to wait and not induce. The doctor was so very supportive and kind…he ordered regular blood tests to check my white blood cell counts. We were so hopeful that maybe God would work a miracle for us, but we also really gave it to Him. We didn’t know what had caused the water to break. I told God that if this child had physical issues that would keep him/her from living a good life, or that I wouldn’t go to term, I would rather God took this child now, before they had a chance to feel pain.
The next morning, during the ultrasound, I could see my mom and my sisters face, and knew that the baby had passed sometime in the night. The doctor came in and confirmed it.
So, they started an induction with cytotec and gave me a morphine pump for pain.
Late that night/early the next morning, I felt something strange. Pastor Loretta was up with me, and went and got mom and the nurse. I dropped my morphine pump and spent the 10 minutes of labor trying to get ahold of it.
When the baby was born, the first thing I said was “it’s a girl-right?” I asked because I had wanted a boy so badly, and I just KNEW this one was a boy, but because of everything I went through, I didn’t trust my instincts anymore.
I’d had a boy.
We named him Nathaniel Arnold R.
A family member (seth’s cousin) who had gone through something similar told me I needed to hold the baby. I couldn’t believe that someone was going to MAKE me hold my baby. I thought she was crazy.
The nurse came in with Nathaniel and basically handed him to me, no option. As hard as it was, I can still feel his precious little body in my hands. Seth held him too, and we wept together. When it was time to let him go, I struggled with wanting to keep him, and knowing that nothing I did would change this. He was gone.
We had a beautiful memorial that afternoon in the chapel. Though I was devastated, I still remember how I felt about the wonderful outpouring of sympathy and support from our family and friends. It was overwhelming. There was a beautiful moses basket, filled with babies breath flowers and a blanket draped over the edge, and several photographs of me pregnant.
Going home was hard. But picking out a grave was even harder. Thankfully, we were blessed with friends and family that stepped up and supported us during that difficult time and worked out the details.
So, that is my basic story of my first loss. I will be back to write about my 3rd loss, the beautiful Elijah.
When Seth and I decided we were ready to have kids, it didn’t take much. Maybe 2 months to conceive our first son. Everything was smooth and easy-we had one tiny bump with some spotting earlier in the pregnancy-but everything was fine. We were getting excited about our 20 week ultrasound and finding out what we were having.
I was at work when I was 18 wks pregnant, feeling some cramping, but not worried about it. I just thought it was ligament stretching. My boss says to me, “If you weren’t so early, I would think you were having contractions” and of course, I was like, “no way!” I went to the restroom a few hours later, and I feel this weird *gush*. I look into the toilet and it is full of blood. I am freaking out of course. I jumped up and ran across the hall into the employee break room and lay down on the floor with my feet in the air. One of the employees saw me run in there and followed me in to check on me.
Apparently, I was virtually laying in a pool of blood. He called 9-1-1 and then called my husband, who happened to be about 5 minutes down the road. It took just a few minutes for the ambulance to get there, and Seth walked in as they were loading me up. I was hooked up to IV’s, etc…it was awful. I was definitely in shock.
When I got to the ER, I was followed immediately by the rest of my family, who drove to the hospital with the help of several truck drivers who helped move the traffic out of the way for them.
After a couple of hours, and an ultrasound, it was discovered that my water had broken. Pretty much the worse case scenario. Once your water has broken, then your uterus is open to infection. We were transferred to a different hospital closer to home to deliver our child.
We still hadn’t found out the gender of our child.
When we got to the hospital, the nurse was so kind, and obviously thought I would go into labor any second. But I made it through the night-and so did the baby. When they gave me an ultrasound to check on the baby, the hb was still over 150!
Seth and I discussed our options, and told the doctor that as long as there was a heartbeat and no infection, we wanted to wait and not induce. The doctor was so very supportive and kind…he ordered regular blood tests to check my white blood cell counts. We were so hopeful that maybe God would work a miracle for us, but we also really gave it to Him. We didn’t know what had caused the water to break. I told God that if this child had physical issues that would keep him/her from living a good life, or that I wouldn’t go to term, I would rather God took this child now, before they had a chance to feel pain.
The next morning, during the ultrasound, I could see my mom and my sisters face, and knew that the baby had passed sometime in the night. The doctor came in and confirmed it.
So, they started an induction with cytotec and gave me a morphine pump for pain.
Late that night/early the next morning, I felt something strange. Pastor Loretta was up with me, and went and got mom and the nurse. I dropped my morphine pump and spent the 10 minutes of labor trying to get ahold of it.
When the baby was born, the first thing I said was “it’s a girl-right?” I asked because I had wanted a boy so badly, and I just KNEW this one was a boy, but because of everything I went through, I didn’t trust my instincts anymore.
I’d had a boy.
We named him Nathaniel Arnold R.
A family member (seth’s cousin) who had gone through something similar told me I needed to hold the baby. I couldn’t believe that someone was going to MAKE me hold my baby. I thought she was crazy.
The nurse came in with Nathaniel and basically handed him to me, no option. As hard as it was, I can still feel his precious little body in my hands. Seth held him too, and we wept together. When it was time to let him go, I struggled with wanting to keep him, and knowing that nothing I did would change this. He was gone.
We had a beautiful memorial that afternoon in the chapel. Though I was devastated, I still remember how I felt about the wonderful outpouring of sympathy and support from our family and friends. It was overwhelming. There was a beautiful moses basket, filled with babies breath flowers and a blanket draped over the edge, and several photographs of me pregnant.
Going home was hard. But picking out a grave was even harder. Thankfully, we were blessed with friends and family that stepped up and supported us during that difficult time and worked out the details.
So, that is my basic story of my first loss. I will be back to write about my 3rd loss, the beautiful Elijah.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Don't leave me ladies!
I just wanted to start a blog so that those of you I have met around cyberworld can stay in touch, no matter where the winds take us!
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